It's All About Priorities... or "Don't Judge Me"

"Mom, you need to drink more alcohol."

This from the mouth of my way-too-old-for-her-years eight year old daughter. I laughed - and I'm pretty sure I posted the funny comment to my facebook account. After all, in this age of twittering and constant status updates, it seems a crime NOT to share that with everyone from my family to my best friend from preschool whom I've recently re-found. It's priceless, funny, and... what do you mean inappropriate?? How could someone take issue with my daughter cracking one liners like this?


One of my favorite stories to retell about my mother and parenting advice centers around Alexandra's first trip to the Durham fair back in 2001. She was only five months old, but the fair was one of my favorite things to do... so I bundled her up, and she, my mom and I got in the car and headed to Durham. Now anyone from CT can attest that the worst part of the drive to the Durham fair is the last 50-100 yards. You can spend an hour and a half slowly pulling into the converted cow pasture/parking area. And that time is all stop and go. I learned early on in my Durham Fair adventures that I can only do it if I'm driving - otherwise my motion sickness will rear its ugly head.
On this day, we discovered that given an hour and a half of stop and go non-motion, Alexandra will also develop motion sickness. She was a miserable sick little baby by the time we parked. Of course, I felt horrible taking her to the fair when she seemed so obviously sick, but the alternative was to get back in the car. Knowing that she had been fine until 50 yards from our parking space, I made the executive/mom decision that we'd stay at the fair. Her tummy would settle back down and she'd be fine once we'd been out in the fresh air for a while.
As we waited for the shuttle to take us over to the fair, a woman who I'm sure was well meaning (though admittedly it's taken almost eight years to see her in that light) told me what a horrible mother I was being, bringing an obviously sick baby out just so I could go to the fair. I was flabbergasted and felt sufficiently berated - enough that I turned around and was about to go home.
It was at this point that my mother looked at me and told me the most important thing I would need as a mother was a thick skin. Alexandra was my baby and I knew what was best for her. Never let some stranger's words undermine that.

Those words have served me well over the years since - and continue to. I've never been much for baby talk or for treating children like something other than people. While this may be partially responsible for Alexandra's extensive vocabulary and precocious grasp of many concepts that are normally beyond children of her age, it has also lead to numerous discussions with her about words and topics that are off limits for kids.
As she gets older, I see a snarky attitude developing that may not be the most reverent but does demonstrate a great sense of humor and developing wit.
She may still be my little girl who babies the heck out of Erin, her favorite baby doll, but she's also showing more and more of this awesome person who is empathetic, funny, frank, sincere, and bright.


So why did I start this post? Actually, it had nothing to do with Alexandra - or maybe it had everything to do with her. I made a blog entry years ago which offended a friend of mine and for which I will always feel bad. It was at a time when I was struggling to figure out what I was doing with my life, how I could possibly do anything with my life - and all that as a single mother to a toddler Alexandra. What I wrote wasn't meant to be judgmental but it came across as such - and hurt feelings.
I was, I think, upset that no one understood how hard my life was. My friend whom I inadvertently judged wasn't a mom, let alone a single mom - how could she understand me?
I know now, years later, that I was being judgmental about her lifestyle in how I was bemoaning the fact that she didn't understand mine. And, again, I will always feel horrible about that. I was reminded of that post recently when I read a similar venting blog post from someone else.
I admit that I caught myself rolling my eyes when I read the post - of course no one understands the plight you're in. You're unique.

Then I smacked myself upside my head.
Yes, literally.

As much as I didn't mean to judge my friend all those years ago, I am betting this other person isn't saying these things to be mean or judgmental. She's frustrated that people don't seem to understand the position she's in. And I know - it can be frustrating.
But here is my hindsighted opinion or advice on the situation (take it or leave it - it's meant purely as well-meaning)...

Don't fret. You're right - some people may not understand the ins and outs of your life, but their ignorance shouldn't be taken as malicious. It really shouldn't even be taken as callous or insensitive. After all, you have your priorities and they're important (otherwise they wouldn't be priorities) to you - but guess what!

Other people are allowed to (and do!) have other priorities.

My daughter is the most important person in the world to me. What she does on a daily basis is extremely interesting and important... to me. My commitment to being active in her life, her school, may seem like a tertiary choice to others - after all, how important, really is it for me to volunteer for her school's book fairs and field day? But to me, these are important commitments - keeping me in touch with what's going on in her life when she's at school.

Of course, I'm focusing this primarily on parenting, but obviously, not all my friends are parents - and even those that are have different life experiences and different priorities. Does this make those priorities any less important? NO.



We all choose our own paths and we all make our our decisions.
What's important to me is important; what's important to you is too.
When priorities clash or don't fall into perfect alignment, take a deep breath and shrug.
After all, no one wants to make anger a priority.